why.

why did all of this have to happen.

this summer was suppose to be the best summer of my life, just because i get to spend it with him.

yesterday we were gonna spontaneously go out for dinner but we couldnt cause no one was home early enough to watch his little brother. then we said we were gonna go out for dinner tomorrow night but then he was saying how he doesnt know if he can go. so i said we can go out for lunch or dinner and then he said that he can only stay till 5 cause he's gonna be going to a party with his viet crew afterwards. so i offered lunch then work, and he said fine but now he doesnt even feel like going to samurai blue anymore...he wants to save it for a special day. and did i mention i was gonna pay since he went broke again. i dont mind paying, but i just feel like hes gonna stand me up or just doesnt want to go in the first place.

why did all of this have to happen. this was suppose to be the best summer of my life. i wanted to spend this summer with him especially since now i have the oppurtunity to see him whenever i please. we get to see each other so much now. i see him so many times per week now and i just wish that every time i got to see him i was able to just smile and give him a kiss.

we wouldve finally been able to do a whole bunch of things we wanted to do.

i know i've said this so many times already but..i just miss him so much.

everyone around me has their boyfriends and what not. even though some of them dont get to see the other every day and one of them is in alabama for the rest of the summer they still get to talk to him and all.

i miss our late night convos and just everything. him being the first person i spoke to in the morning and the last person i spoke to at night. him just being my everything. he still is mine...but im not his. man i hate this.

i dream about him every single night. a dream is a wish your heart makes and yeah, im wishing for him every single night. i could care less about a job and money and a car. i just want him.

i miss hearing him call me my nicknames and such. yesterday, when i was in his room, my monkey wasnt on his bed anymore, instead it was her stupid polar bear. i saw my monkey in the other corner, on top of a pile of stuff..at least its not in the closet.

i wonder what he did with all the stuff i gave him. i didnt go looking for the ring or necklace box, but i dont think i saw it on his desk where they once were. my notebooks and stuff werent on the ground in the spot they were before either.

he has seen me way more times than he has seen her this summer. i dont even know if he has seen her at all this summer yet. why did it have to end.

it wouldve been perfect. why did he give up on me.

everyone is telling me that im making him my everything and stuff and yeah, i admit that i am. im doing this to myself and i know i shouldnt be but i cant help it. i love him.

whenever im out with him i just miss being able to hold his hand. keeping my hands to myself or just letting them swing at my side when im with him feels so weird.

i shouldnt be saying this cause i dont know her and i always said that i couldnt hate her cause i dont know her. but now...i hate you michelle. i really do.

i guess i should just wait and see how things go tomorrow. i always enjoy hanging out with landon. i hope tomorrow is fun.

January 10, 2008; 2:59 PM.
~L&&A~
♥ Always && Forever ♥