you.

So, why am i up at 6:36 in the morning on a Wednesday during summer break writing in this journal thing? What is so important that it couldnt wait for some normal time in the day? Well technically i've been up since like 3 something going crazy.

I woke up in the middle of the night again like i have been doing for the past couple of days. Not being comfortable and all i sleepily checked my phone and look, another middle of the night text from Jonathan that was sent around 1 something. I was thinking he probably is still up so i just texted him back. I felt like i was awake but he texted back over an hr later around 4 something but i didnt even feel like i was awake for that long, so i guess i was basically half asleep. Anywho, he said he was with Landon. I just texted him back saying "oh i guess i wouldnt be a good thing if he found out you were talking to me" or something like that and then he just texted back saying that Landon already knew. I was just asking how he knew and what he said, and Jonathan just told me that he said "i dont know." Well for me i just said "Yeah probably. Well im going back to sleep. Night. You can tell him i say good night." and that was the end of my convo with him. However, it was now 5 and i wasn't going back to sleep. I haven't spoken to Landon for over a week already but i texted him saying "Dont think that me talking to Jonathan is anything. He's just a friend. You don't know how much i still feel about you." And then, I cried.

I told myself i wouldnt, but i just had to. I pulled out the bag of all his stuff, and the first thing i touched was his jacket. That made me cry even more. I held onto it, and just started looking through everything. All the pictures, the poems, the drawings. I read almost every single one that was in the bag and im still not even half way done with all the poems he's ever written me. There is this one poem, this one poem which always gets to hard. I saved that for last, and i read it of course, but i kind of sped through it, i regret speeding through it but i got a glimpse of the last word before i actually read the whole thing and that already made me break out into tears. That one word, "eternally," that word has been used so many times. I wish everything did stay eternal. I wish that things were like the way they use to be. I wish he still loved me.

He doesn't know how much he means to me, how much i still love him. My feelings for him will never ever go away. I'm not like him, i can't just build up a wall and keep them away from affecting me. Every little thing, cuts me like a knife. Priscilla and I were talking and yeah, we are really emotional and sensitive. These certain people in our life just have a crazy effect on us. Well at least this guy does on me. He has such a hold on me, i really don't want him to ever let go. I don't ever want to let go.

Looking at the pictures. Just looking at his face. Brings back so many memories. Every touch, every hug, every smile, every kiss, just everything. I miss it so much. What i would do to just have him in my arms again.

Henry is gonna be so dissapointed in me. He's the one who's always been telling me to move on and how im too good for him and everything. It seems like i've been kind of moving on for a while but now, everything is just killing me again. I don't know how im gonna survive when he goes back to Alabama. I'm not gonna be able to talk to him as much when i really need to.

All his poems mean so much to me, but that one poem, that one that hits me so much, i decided that i'm gonna keep that with me at all times now. Just keep it in my wallet or something so i have a piece of him where ever i go. I know you might think its stupid and that i will never recover that way but i don't know. I just feel like i have to do this and we'll just see what time has in stored for me.

Im driving Henry over to see Kim today. Just gonna chill at their place, and try to recollect myself. Thats gonna be hard however seeing as if he lives 3 houses down from her. I never know if he's home or not though. Jonathan lives in that same fricken neighborhood also. I was thinking about maybe chilling with him today, but not anymore. I'm not telling him im in the neighborhood. If they see the car, they see the car, but im not telling either of them. I highly doubt Landon would even care but still, I'm thinking about avoiding them for a while. Mainly Jonathan i guess. I don't know.

I feel horrible. Jonathan is a sweet guy who hasnt done anything but be sweet, but i'm just so messed up cause of everything. Honestly i don't have any feelings for Jonathan right now. He's just a friend. I'm still just caught up with Landon and everything, except he doesn't fucking care anymore. Well i highly doubt he does.

Why do i love him so much. Why did he stop loving me.

My friend had this quote on her facebook..."Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"...why am i so weak.