Its been days since we last spoke. Surprisingly, I'm not missing you as much as I thought I would. Before you would drive me up the walls because you never talked to me. Now I realize that I'm getting over you. No need to wait for you to sign on just so I can talk to you. No more late night convos. I thought I was going to miss it a lot and I actually did. After a while, I just realized how dumb I was because you don't see things the way I do. You don't know the things I do just to remind you that I'm alive. You don't know how you make me feel everytime I talk to you. For all I know, you probably wouldn't care even if you knew. I've finally woken up. You're not on my mind every minute of my life anymore.
There are times when I feel like I'm never going to find that special one for me. Its like love doesn't exist. I'm never going to be that imperfect person that someone sees perfectly.
Don't get me wrong.
Love does exist; just in books, movies, and music but never in reality.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
again.
man, im not updating as much as i use to. i knew this was gonna happen. i wanna try and keep this blog running though.
anywho, things have been going fine and what not. ive been pretty happy with landon i guess. not completely, cause the only thing that can fill my happiness is him.
however, ive been getting my hopes up way too much again. even the smallest mention of michelle just hits me real hard. i cant help but think about everything.
im always wondering how long they are gonna last. im always wondering if he is gonna decide to come back to me in the end. im always wondering about everything...but i know there is no hope for me.
i dont know what i am anymore. a optimist, a pesismist? a wisher, a dreamer?
right now all my wishes feel like empty words, and all my dreams are turning into nightmares.
i wonder if everything we said will come true.
anywho, things have been going fine and what not. ive been pretty happy with landon i guess. not completely, cause the only thing that can fill my happiness is him.
however, ive been getting my hopes up way too much again. even the smallest mention of michelle just hits me real hard. i cant help but think about everything.
im always wondering how long they are gonna last. im always wondering if he is gonna decide to come back to me in the end. im always wondering about everything...but i know there is no hope for me.
i dont know what i am anymore. a optimist, a pesismist? a wisher, a dreamer?
right now all my wishes feel like empty words, and all my dreams are turning into nightmares.
i wonder if everything we said will come true.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
thump.
alrightt. i havent written this in a while, and thats because i just got back from my weekend trip to mississippi.
it was fun i guess. we stayed with dalynna's cousins from her moms side, so technically my 2nd cousins i guess.
saturday, 4th of july was crazy. we took to the boat out to this island to just hang out, enjoy bbq and watch the fireworks at the end of the day. all was going well at first. we fished alil and i even caught 2 fishes for my first time! then, the storm came.
first it was really windy, and everyone was just bustling around telling everyone to get onto the boat and to anchor down the boat. we were holding bout 20 something people on the boat since we had shelter and the other peoples boat didnt.
anywho, after the wind came the rain. yeah it rained hard and the tide went down a whole lot so our boat and 2 other boats to the left of us were kind of stuck. it was still raining and the boats on the left of us decided to start pushing their boat out and a couple of the male adults on our boat decided to go help them.
they pushed the first boat out, then the second, and then they decided to go push our boat out, while we were still in the middle of the storm. a whole bunch of people came and basically all of us had to get off except i think 3 or 4 female adults who stayed in the back with the little kids.
we pushed and the boat was unstuck, but someone messed up with the anchor and everything and the boat started drifting off. a whole bunch of us were off the boat and we couldnt technically walk our way out the water to the boat because the sand underneath us was black and disgusting and there were so many sink holes. i could only go so far before the smell hit me and i started to gag. it was disgusting.
the boat started drifting off more and more, and people were trying to pull it back but the wind was just too strong. then, our boat hit one of the boats that were next to us. to boat next to us ripped a whole in the back of our boat and then our boat started drifting off even more.
in my little group, there was me, joanna, dalynna, cody, kenny, their mom, and this other girl. it was raining hard so when the rain drops hit our skin it was kind of like little rocks or ice. we saw the boat was drifting real far, until this speed boat that belonged to the other viet family towed it to shore across the way.
right now a bunch of the rest of us were stranded on that island, trying to cope we the storm. we walked out to the water for a bit, to keep warm but my group got stuck in an oyster bed.
we got stuck in an oyster bed for a bit, trying to stay warm in the water and trying not to step on big oysters but soon, the boat came back and rescued us.
all of us had cuts on our feet from that oyster bed. i didnt have any cuts on my right foot, but my left foot has cuts all over.
by that time it was about 6 something, and we decided to go home cause we were all worn out and tired so we didnt stay for the fireworks there. we got home, took our shower, ate mcdonalds, and then decided to go to pascagoula beach instead to watch the fireworks and then play with some of our own.
it was fun, lighting up a bunch of bottle rockets and just such and just watching them in the air. so yeah, that was the end of our crazy day.
sunday, cody took us to the mall during the day time and then at night we went to this pier to fish. it sucks cause it was windy so there were barely any fish biting. joanna however luckily caught a big catfish right before we left. that was the only fish we caught, cept for big kenny who caught 2 eels.
monday, we stayed home and played rock band and other random stuff until we had to go to the casino at night. we played in the arcade at first. we were trying to win tickets for my baby cousin analise. joanna hit the jackput once in that light spinny game and i hit the jackpot twice in this basketball spinny game. in total, we won my cousin 931 tickets :D
afterwards, we went to the buffet to eat. pretty good food i guess. the cheesecake was yummy :]
we were gonna go home tuesday at first, but then we decided to stay one more day to go to louisiana. however, the next day when we woke up, it was raining both here and there so we couldnt go. we decided to just go home.
so overall, my trip wasnt bad. it had its moments except now im brokee. im still waiting on joanna and dalynna to pay me back. i need moneyy ><
man i still need a fricken job. i still want that target job...sighh.
im still thinking about him also. im wondering whats going through his head.
it was fun i guess. we stayed with dalynna's cousins from her moms side, so technically my 2nd cousins i guess.
saturday, 4th of july was crazy. we took to the boat out to this island to just hang out, enjoy bbq and watch the fireworks at the end of the day. all was going well at first. we fished alil and i even caught 2 fishes for my first time! then, the storm came.
first it was really windy, and everyone was just bustling around telling everyone to get onto the boat and to anchor down the boat. we were holding bout 20 something people on the boat since we had shelter and the other peoples boat didnt.
anywho, after the wind came the rain. yeah it rained hard and the tide went down a whole lot so our boat and 2 other boats to the left of us were kind of stuck. it was still raining and the boats on the left of us decided to start pushing their boat out and a couple of the male adults on our boat decided to go help them.
they pushed the first boat out, then the second, and then they decided to go push our boat out, while we were still in the middle of the storm. a whole bunch of people came and basically all of us had to get off except i think 3 or 4 female adults who stayed in the back with the little kids.
we pushed and the boat was unstuck, but someone messed up with the anchor and everything and the boat started drifting off. a whole bunch of us were off the boat and we couldnt technically walk our way out the water to the boat because the sand underneath us was black and disgusting and there were so many sink holes. i could only go so far before the smell hit me and i started to gag. it was disgusting.
the boat started drifting off more and more, and people were trying to pull it back but the wind was just too strong. then, our boat hit one of the boats that were next to us. to boat next to us ripped a whole in the back of our boat and then our boat started drifting off even more.
in my little group, there was me, joanna, dalynna, cody, kenny, their mom, and this other girl. it was raining hard so when the rain drops hit our skin it was kind of like little rocks or ice. we saw the boat was drifting real far, until this speed boat that belonged to the other viet family towed it to shore across the way.
right now a bunch of the rest of us were stranded on that island, trying to cope we the storm. we walked out to the water for a bit, to keep warm but my group got stuck in an oyster bed.
we got stuck in an oyster bed for a bit, trying to stay warm in the water and trying not to step on big oysters but soon, the boat came back and rescued us.
all of us had cuts on our feet from that oyster bed. i didnt have any cuts on my right foot, but my left foot has cuts all over.
by that time it was about 6 something, and we decided to go home cause we were all worn out and tired so we didnt stay for the fireworks there. we got home, took our shower, ate mcdonalds, and then decided to go to pascagoula beach instead to watch the fireworks and then play with some of our own.
it was fun, lighting up a bunch of bottle rockets and just such and just watching them in the air. so yeah, that was the end of our crazy day.
sunday, cody took us to the mall during the day time and then at night we went to this pier to fish. it sucks cause it was windy so there were barely any fish biting. joanna however luckily caught a big catfish right before we left. that was the only fish we caught, cept for big kenny who caught 2 eels.
monday, we stayed home and played rock band and other random stuff until we had to go to the casino at night. we played in the arcade at first. we were trying to win tickets for my baby cousin analise. joanna hit the jackput once in that light spinny game and i hit the jackpot twice in this basketball spinny game. in total, we won my cousin 931 tickets :D
afterwards, we went to the buffet to eat. pretty good food i guess. the cheesecake was yummy :]
we were gonna go home tuesday at first, but then we decided to stay one more day to go to louisiana. however, the next day when we woke up, it was raining both here and there so we couldnt go. we decided to just go home.
so overall, my trip wasnt bad. it had its moments except now im brokee. im still waiting on joanna and dalynna to pay me back. i need moneyy ><
man i still need a fricken job. i still want that target job...sighh.
im still thinking about him also. im wondering whats going through his head.
Friday, July 3, 2009
skipping a beat.
I just found out that he is going away tomorrow. My heart just sank. Am I really going to miss him that much? I mean I guess I kinda know him a little bit more now, but he shouldn't have that big of an affect on me.
I even tried to stop talking to him altogether. Sadly, I only lasted for four days and it was driving me crazy. I couldn't help but IM him not even after the 4th day but during the end.
People are telling me to stop and wait for him to IM me and crap like that. But think about it. Why would he IM me out of no where? I'm not close to him. He doesn't like me. He's not going to miss having someone bug him everyday for no reason. What's the point in waiting?
I'm trying to hard not to get my hopes up. I don't want to watch it fall right back down. I need to learn to give up. This has been killing me for days and there's not much I can do about it.
If anything our convos have been dead. I should just stop before it just dies all together. When school starts I'll think about hitting him up. But until then, I really should stop.
He's killing me and he doesn't even know it.
I even tried to stop talking to him altogether. Sadly, I only lasted for four days and it was driving me crazy. I couldn't help but IM him not even after the 4th day but during the end.
People are telling me to stop and wait for him to IM me and crap like that. But think about it. Why would he IM me out of no where? I'm not close to him. He doesn't like me. He's not going to miss having someone bug him everyday for no reason. What's the point in waiting?
I'm trying to hard not to get my hopes up. I don't want to watch it fall right back down. I need to learn to give up. This has been killing me for days and there's not much I can do about it.
If anything our convos have been dead. I should just stop before it just dies all together. When school starts I'll think about hitting him up. But until then, I really should stop.
He's killing me and he doesn't even know it.
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