sinking.

so yeah, a bunch of stuff has happened i guess.

i went to georgia state today for my orientation. i now gotta complete signing up for my classes and all that jazz. hopefully i can fit in all my classes so i only have to go to school 4 days a week.

im gonna be getting a new laptop for school! im excited for that. i feel smartical :P

but yeah, my mind is all racked up now. i saw today that landon finally decided to delete that album of me and him from his myspace pictures. when i saw that it was gone, my heart just dropped. im sad.

man, i dont know what else to say.

my mind is just racing completely.

only he can save me.

quote.

I had this in my aim profile for a while. It's exactly how I feel right now so I'm gonna post it here.

"I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I've memorized your face and that way that you look at mine. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, I know one thing for sure; you're the best thing that has ever happened to me." <3

vroom.

wow i havent updated in a while.

well friday i was able to hang out with landon. it was nice i guess.

saturday i couldnt cause he woke up tired and just wanted to stay home and sleep. ><

sunday the fam went out for dim sum for father's day with jen and kim and their dad, and then we went to jen and kims afterwards to go swimming. it was pretty fun.

yesterday i chilled at jen and kims for a bit cause i didnt want to stay home.

todayy i finally got my tires in and my uncle went to have them changed. the car drives so much more smoother nowww. i love it. i got to drive the rav4 today also. that was fun.

i havent spoken to landon since saturday night. so that makes it 3 days in a row already. the longest ive gone in a longg time.

i feel like it might go on even longer. i dont want to be the first to text him, i want him to text me first but i dont even know if he would.

tomorrow i gotta wake up at 7 in the morning and drive all the way downtown for my math placement test. hopefully traffic isnt too bad and that my trip down there goes smooth. first time going downthere and by myselff. :O

my mind is so blank right now. i dont know what to think. sorry for such a crappy update :P

why.

why did all of this have to happen.

this summer was suppose to be the best summer of my life, just because i get to spend it with him.

yesterday we were gonna spontaneously go out for dinner but we couldnt cause no one was home early enough to watch his little brother. then we said we were gonna go out for dinner tomorrow night but then he was saying how he doesnt know if he can go. so i said we can go out for lunch or dinner and then he said that he can only stay till 5 cause he's gonna be going to a party with his viet crew afterwards. so i offered lunch then work, and he said fine but now he doesnt even feel like going to samurai blue anymore...he wants to save it for a special day. and did i mention i was gonna pay since he went broke again. i dont mind paying, but i just feel like hes gonna stand me up or just doesnt want to go in the first place.

why did all of this have to happen. this was suppose to be the best summer of my life. i wanted to spend this summer with him especially since now i have the oppurtunity to see him whenever i please. we get to see each other so much now. i see him so many times per week now and i just wish that every time i got to see him i was able to just smile and give him a kiss.

we wouldve finally been able to do a whole bunch of things we wanted to do.

i know i've said this so many times already but..i just miss him so much.

everyone around me has their boyfriends and what not. even though some of them dont get to see the other every day and one of them is in alabama for the rest of the summer they still get to talk to him and all.

i miss our late night convos and just everything. him being the first person i spoke to in the morning and the last person i spoke to at night. him just being my everything. he still is mine...but im not his. man i hate this.

i dream about him every single night. a dream is a wish your heart makes and yeah, im wishing for him every single night. i could care less about a job and money and a car. i just want him.

i miss hearing him call me my nicknames and such. yesterday, when i was in his room, my monkey wasnt on his bed anymore, instead it was her stupid polar bear. i saw my monkey in the other corner, on top of a pile of stuff..at least its not in the closet.

i wonder what he did with all the stuff i gave him. i didnt go looking for the ring or necklace box, but i dont think i saw it on his desk where they once were. my notebooks and stuff werent on the ground in the spot they were before either.

he has seen me way more times than he has seen her this summer. i dont even know if he has seen her at all this summer yet. why did it have to end.

it wouldve been perfect. why did he give up on me.

everyone is telling me that im making him my everything and stuff and yeah, i admit that i am. im doing this to myself and i know i shouldnt be but i cant help it. i love him.

whenever im out with him i just miss being able to hold his hand. keeping my hands to myself or just letting them swing at my side when im with him feels so weird.

i shouldnt be saying this cause i dont know her and i always said that i couldnt hate her cause i dont know her. but now...i hate you michelle. i really do.

i guess i should just wait and see how things go tomorrow. i always enjoy hanging out with landon. i hope tomorrow is fun.

January 10, 2008; 2:59 PM.
~L&&A~
♥ Always && Forever ♥

broke.

gahh i feel like im going crazy on the inside.

i finally was able to reach that lady at target today...cept she told me that all the positions were filled already. she did however tell me that she might be hiring again within this month or next month and shes gonna keep my application so if my qualifications meet she'll call me for an interview. man i really hope i get this job, or any job really. im broke and i need gas moneyy.

2nd thing. i want my car alrady. my midnight blue pearl 2009 honda cr-v. gahhh. i want to be able to cruise around in it and call it my own. have my own set of car keys and play my ipodd. gahh.

wow i just noticed im basically saying the same thing over and over everyday in each entry. i cant get this stuff off my mind!

anywho, i've spent the last couple days at kims house. sunday, monday, and today! i wanted to hang out with landon tomorrow, but he's probably busy so i wont be able to..thats why im gonna go back to kims. i dont wanna stay home so why not.

i wish i had money. we need to get out of the house but almost every place you go involves having money. gahh.

i still cant get landon off my mind. i miss him so much. i'm always thinking about how things would be right now. how things should be.

this sucks. i have no luck at all. seriously. its like landon took all the good luck and left me with nothing. nothing is gonna work out for me. ugh. such a pessimist.

thanks a lot.

erm.

ahh there arent many titles for me to think of anymore.

anywho. congrats on finishing high school priscilla :]
graduation and bam college! are you ready?!!

haha. well anyway, my mind is being thrown all over the place right now. job, car, landon. ughh.

i want my car already. a car i can finally call my own and just do whatever i want with. oyeee. i want my own set of car keys and to finally be able to listen to my ipod. the radio plays the same fricken songs over and over. it gets annoying.

the feel like i have no hope with the target job. i called today but she was already gone. ughh. im gonna try again tomorrow but i dont know. i feel like im never gonna get the job. i think im gonna be job less all summer.

now landon. he's like the main focus and everything. today was suppose to be his first day on the job but the email made a mistake so he found out he is starting thursday instead. he texted me, asking me if i was still at my friends house. he was just wondering what i was doing all day. i guess that means he's still thinking about me. i dont know. ugh.

i dont know whats more important to me right now. i guess job is way up there. im officially broke with no spending money and i need to pay for gas and everything.

jobbbb. ]:

last day.

Today was the last offical day of highschool. I got pictures with everyone and got everyone i wanted to sign my yearbook. I was holding up well until I got into 6th period. Two of my friends started crying and it got me all depressed .
Afterschool I went to ihop with Julia and relived old memories we had since freshmen year. I ended up taking up a whole page in her yearbook. As I was writing, tears were about to fall like no tomorrow, but I held them in.
It wasn't until I got on my last bus coming home that I actually broke down. It was then when it finally hit me that I no longer have to get up at 5 anymore. I no longer have to take the same buses and trains to get to school. I won't be going into the same school building anymore, and worse of all I won't be seeing the same people I've been seeing for the past 4 years of my life.
Everything happened so quickly, 4 years gone in a blink of an eye.
I've met people I don't want to forget. I've build friendships that I don't want to end. It hasn't even been one full day and I'm missing everyone already.
I wish everyone the best of luck in the future.
Congrats to the Class of '09. We made it!(:

hopeless.

so, i finally was able to bring Landon his brownies. i had a little chat with him also.

we were talking about how lucky he has become and everything and how i was getting all the bad luck. how his life was going up hill while my life was crashing. how he's suddenly being more positive, while im becoming such a pesimist. i guess the start of his lucky streak happened when he got rid of me.

we started talking about our future then. basically our jobs and such. he going to tokyo, and becoming and artist. me. nothing.

i've come to realize i really have no goals or dreams or anything. i did..well i still do..but they all involved landon. when he came into my life i really had a sense of reality and actual reason, but now..my dreams are all hopeless.

he's telling me not to be standard. how can i not be when the one thing i live for is with someone else.

this summer was suppose to be the best summer of my life. finally being able to see him more and just spend more time together and everything. why did we have to end. why did he have to go and date that korean. why.

college is basically for my parents. not even myself. i just plan on getting through school just like i did high school. trying alil but not actually putting 100% into it. of course i'll still stick with the good grades and everything but i wont really have a passion for it or anything. i have a passion for landon. i live for landon. why did all of this have to happen.

i told him to help me try to figure out my life. i cant do it on my own. i need to figure out what to do with my life.

im studying business just cause i have no interest in anything else and i guess business is the basic thing i can do. im good at math and such so why not.

my life is pathetic.

bored.

holy fuck.

i have a license now..but i have no fricken where to go!

i was thinking about going to visit jen and kim today but their dad was home and i didnt want to come over and bother him and what not ><

sighh so i stayed home...saving pictures of pokemon...oye. so fricken bored!

i dont even know what to write about. i wanna get out of this house but there is no where to go and no one to hang out with. GAHH.

i still have to bring landon his brownies. jeez.

monday im gonna go visit him at his first day of work. im hoping that target calls me soon and offers me a interview or something. im freaking out dude. i really need this job.

gahh what else to write about...priscilla how come you dont update here!! :O

yeah this entry is pretty much worthless, cept ive been listening to songs like all day and so many of them have got me thinking about landon ):

GAHHHHHHHHHH. im such a mess.

birthday. license!

Alrightt.

So today is Landon's 18th birthday. I wished him Happy Birthday right at 12 o clock cause i wanted to be the first one. Wouldve been better if i called him but i highly doubted he wouldve wanted to talk to me or something.

Anywho, today was also the day of my road test. I was getting nervous and everythingg. During the parking portion of my test, my left leg was shakinggg and i couldnt get it to stop. I was like holy fuckkk. However, i passed so YAY! i can finally drive legally for once. i like this picture so much better than my old one, even though it still looks funny. I got a class C license also, so i can drive freely. As many people as i want, and whenever i wantttt. no curfew! (:

Anywho, i still have those brownies i'm suppose to give landon. I didnt get a chance to give them to him this morning cause of my road test, and he's still not fricken home! Sigh..just waiting till when he does get home so i can bring them to him.

I hope they taste good at least. Theyve been sitting on my desk in a cake pan for 2 days alreadyy :X

I hope he enjoys them at least (:

Happy Birthday Landon! I love you<3

tears.

I woke up this morning, excited to see Landon today but wondering how the day would go. I continued on and baked him brownies like i said i would for his birthday. Even though his birthday is tomorrow, i thought i probably wouldnt get the chance to see him tomorrow so might as well give it to him today.

At first i was scared that he was gonna want to just stay home today and play this new video game he got last night cause he was so into it. He told me however that he was gonna come, he had to put the video game down anyway.

I then find out that apparently a water pipe busted in his basement so he has to help clean that up now. I was wondering how long that would take but i told him to tell me when he was done.

Then he told me that he has to the mow the grass too. I was like damn, but hoping he could still come over. He told me he was sorry if he couldnt come today but we'll see.

So now im waiting. Waiting to see if i get an answer. Will i get to see him today?

I baked these brownies just for him and i want to give it to him. I wanted to see him before he started work next week cause then i wouldnt know when i would get to chill with him again.

If he was my boyfriend, i wouldnt mind i guess. I know he would try to come today or at least make some time as soon as possible to hang out with me. I bet we wouldve even hung out tomorrow, on his birthday.

I miss him though. This summer was suppose to be perfect. We would finally be able to get to see each other more and everything.

Seriously. What did i do to deserve this. All i want is him. Him as mine and i couldnt possibly ask for anything else.

I hope he does come over today. This brownies just sitting here right in front would be heartbreaking.

I need him.

i wish.

today wouldve been. June 10, 2009. today wouldve been our 17 month anniversary.

i really miss him so much, but i guess i got to share a nice day with him.

oh so first off. i was having a very nice dream this morning. i wont disclose the details but it was about me and landon. anyway, i was getting better and better but then BAM i get a phone call which wakes me from my dream. Guess who it was. JONATHAN! and it was at 5:24 in the morning!! jeez does that retard know anything about sleep. i was so annoyed he ruined my dream. i hope i get another one like that again.

anywho, later that day i decided to go over to kims house cause analise wanted to play with mitchie. i didnt mind going over, i wanted to chill with kim anyway. anywho we got bored and decided to go for a walk. i told her i was gonna show her jonathan's house. we walked somewhat close but not even. we were just in view of his house when we stopped for a second and then turned around to walk back. We walked for a little bit, taking maybe 20 steps when suddenly i get a text from him saying something like "i saw you in my hood". Thats when i freaked out and ran. hahaha.

Me and kim got back to her house and decided to just chill on the front steps for a bit when landon passed by. I told him how Jonathan apparently saw me and Landon said he knew cause he was on the phone with jonathan and jonathan started freaking or something saying that he turned his head to look out the window and saw me turning around. Gosh i have bad timing. haha but im not complaining, cause after all of that, Landon just chilled there with me and Kim instead of going over to Jonathan's.

It was fun just messing around and everything. The only parts that made me kind of sad were when he mentioned michelle, cause of course i would get jealous.

Landon is coming over tomorrow. I hope it'll be fun and fine. I don't want to suddenly break down and cry again. I kind of feel like crying now for some reason. I dont know why but yeah. I just really miss him.

Today would've been 17 months. Today is suppose to be 17 months. We are still suppose to be together. Together forever. January 10, 2008; 2:59 PM. Always && Forever. I love him so much. I miss him. I need him. I wish i was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend. I wish he would tell me he loves me. I wish i could tell him i love him.

What happened.

sigh.

i am never gonna get better am i?

This morning i talked to kim for a while and just cried my eyes out. i realized so much this morning, but im gonna keep my feelings to myself now.

Anywho, Landon had an interview with Target today and he got the job like i said he would. I'm trying to get him to hook me up now. I need a job badly.

Man, i had so much i wanted to say but my mind is only focused on him. I felt sick after eatting dinner and ended up throwing up. I think i even threw up a little blood :X

But yeah, i need to just try and keep everything to myself. No matter how much it hurts me, i know i got no chance with Landon again so i guess i just got to face it.

I'm always gonna love him though, no matter what. Nothing can ever stop me.

I guess right now, im just focused on getting a job. I handed in my applications a week ago to a bunch of places but still nothing yet. I know im screwed, thats why im hoping Landon can hook me up with a job at Target. It would be fun to work with him also.

Man why wont he reply.

breaking down.

the only thing i could ever ask for. the only thing i ever want, is you.

it was nice. being able to see him today and just relax with him.

then i just broke down.

i miss him so fucking much and i still love him. i told him that. then i cried. i just cried.

he comforted me of course, but the only thing i ever want is for him to be mine again.

what i would do to just be able to call him mine.

im crying right now. i need him so badly. i feel so weak without him.

why does he have to have a fucking girlfriend. why does this have to happen to me.

i just want to be able to hold his hand again and just hug him. i want to be able to freely tell him "i love you" and just hear him say it back. i want to hear him call me "guapita" again. i want my favorite pillow and blanket back. i want to be able to just look into his eyes and smile because i have the best thing ever right there looking back at me. i want everything to be like it use to be.

once you've had the best, you can't go back. he's stolen my heart, but i dont want it back. i honestly can't love anyone else but him.

my feelings will never go away and they will never ever change.

i'm gonna see him again on thursday. i need to. this time, im gonna talk to him straight. i'm not gonna keep anything to myself, im just gonna pour my heart out.

i want him back. thats all i fucking want. i want him back!

i love you so fucking much and i will never ever stop.

hmm.

SO! Today was a hella boring dayy.
It was also my 3rd day with my period and it was killing meeee. I felt like i was dyingg D:

Oh wells. Tomorrow i get to see Landon! :]
I'm happy that i get to see him, I'm always missing him.

I am always thinking about him, always replaying memories throughout my head and always imagining a bunch of scenes where he comes back to me. Back into my arms so i can finally call him mine once again.

Yivan and I are basically experiencing the same problem right now. Love stricken by our ex, however she still has a chance since her ex is still single.

This summer was suppose to be the best summer for me and Landon. I can finally hang out more and everything so we can finally see each other more and all. I'm kind of hoping all this hanging out and everything will make him see how much more he misses me and everything. I would do anything to have him back.

I'm praying every night, praying that i will soon be able to call him my boyfriend again. My mom always told me that if i prayed hard enough and every morning and night i will get what i wish for. She thinks im wishing for my car but really im just wishing for him more. I gotta get into the habit of praying every night and morning though.

My mom prays every morning, she tells me thats how shes getting through life being able to pay for rent and the mortgage and everything so we dont have to go living on the streets. I guess i really should start praying every day and night and actually make it a habit.

This wednesday wouldve been 17 months that me and Landon were together. I really wish we still were togetherrr. GAHH. i know youre probably annoyed of me just talking about him and everything but he's just on my mind all the time.

On the bright side, Jonathan still hasnt tried talking to me or anything. I'm seriously suprised he hasnt cause usually he'd keep trying. Oh wells. Good for me. I don't have to deal with him. Sucks for Landon though, he still lives in the same neighborhood and Jonathan always decides to knock on his door out of no where.

I wonder how awkward it would be if i was with Landon at his house or something and then Jonathan decided to randomly show up without knowing i was there. Would he decide to stay and talk or something or turn around and walk away. He doesnt know that i know about his "plans", well at least i dont think he knows yet. I don't know if he's figured out that i'm ignoring him yet.

I wanna talk to Landon tomorrow and try to see what else Jonathan has said about me. He's such a sick bastard. He told Landon that he was gonna "do me" on his pool table once. HOLY FUCK. disgusting dick face.

Whatever, forget him. Time to make the night go by so i can chillax with Landon tomorrow. I can't wait :]

But still, the only thing i ever want is you.

prom night.

Yesterday was Bayside's Prom which I didn't go to... Instead I stayed home like the bum I am. It wasn't all that bad though(:

While everyone was having fun at prom, I was home talking to Rowson throughout the whole night. He's like one of the easiest person to talk to. Not to mention we talked about the most randomest things lol(: We went from talking about his prom to stalkers?, then blues clues to little kids to ccny, to his dog? LOL. It was awesome.

Then he started asking why I call him dumbo, and how I should call him the great wall of china or something. He is so weird.. but no dumbo fits him better. Also, he managed to call me a whole list of things. Starting with lil prisc, then loser, noob, newbie, dummy....etc. ><>< I'm totally gonna kill him.

He keeps forgetting the fact that I've only seen him ONCE in my life. He keeps bragging about his muscles and shit and I'm like... yeah.. ok.. weirdo. Now I might even need a restraining order from him. He might kill me ><

But yeah, so thats how I spent my "prom night" not your typical night but to me it was even better(:

things are finally turning around.

RAWR.
ehh i think i remember i dreamt something last night, but right when i woke up i forgot it like instantly. oh wells.

I get to hang out with my buddy Lando on monday though so im excited about that, i cant wait! :D

Oye that kid Jonathan finally decided to try and talk to me this morning. The thing is however, he didnt text me, no..he decides to call me at 6:18 in the morning!! WTFREAK. hasnt he ever heard of a thing called sleep. I just ignored it and let it ring, but hold upppp after getting back to sleep i get another call at 8:21!! Two times! jeez. i ignored them both. damn dude, why are you gonna call a girl in the early hours of the morning when shes trying to get some sleep.

I woke up round 5 something today out of no where, checked my phone and read a text i got from Landon after i fell asleep. That text made me smile, and then i went back to sleep. However jonathan had to go and wake me up >:[

I dont have his number saved on my phone anymore, but i could tell it was his number. I dont remember it from the top of my head but if i look at it i know.

Anywho, i wonder if jonathan is gonna try to call me anymore times throughout the day or whatever, but hah sucks for him, im not gonna pick upp!

Gonna go to the pool today. I would be more excited about it if i wasnt on my period though >< BLAH.

Photograph.

Song of the day:

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out

This is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must’ve done it half a dozen times
I wonder if it’s too late
Should I go back and try to graduate
Life’s better now than it was back then
If I was them, I wouldn’t let me in

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Remember the old arcade?
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin’ out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we’d know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim’s the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can’t erase
You can’t replace it
I miss it now
I can’t believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me.....

hmm.

I like writing in this blog, thank you priscilla for getting me to start it.
I think its because only a very few actually know about this blog so all this info is more secretive. I can fully write out names of people and everything and not really worry about past friends going on reading it and just knowing everything bout my life. Sure, some people might stumble across this blog, but better than writing in my xanga and letting everyone else read it.

But yeah, im glad im actually keeping up with this also. I feel like im always trying to find an excuse to write in here. Just helps my mind recollect my thoughts i guess.

Anywho, last night was an ok night i guess, until i woke up at 4 something and kept waking up every 15 or 30 minutes. Annoying as fuck. I wasnt even fully asleep, i was basically half asleep each time also. My arms were hurting so that didnt help at all either. I felt like no blood was flowing through my arms or anything and it was an annoying aching pain. My arm still hurts right now but not as bad i guess.

Jonathan Rodriguez still disgusts the fuck out of me. I rather talk to Landon than Jonathan anyday. That fucktard can go roll his fat self down the street.

I told Landon to try and delete my number off of Jonathan's phone when he gets the chance to and everything. I dont want Jonathan to have my number at allll. If he gets pissed or something than he might go giving it out or some shit. BLAH.

I'm glad this is all stopping now. Better now before he decides to try and rape me or something. That ass hole. Landon told me that if Jonathan ever tried to rape me though, that he would fucking smash his face in. Thank You~

I think im gonna tell Landon that if Jonathan ever asks him if I'm ignoring him or something, to just pretend he doesnt know about it so that maybe Jonathan might say more shit. I wanna hear what else he has to say about his intentions and everything and then kick that dickface in the head.

But yeah enough about that douche bag.

I'm glad i got my buddy Landon back. I really miss him, as a friend, and as my boyfriend. He told me he still isnt over me either, but he has a girlfriend so i dont know. I just really miss him. I want to hang out with him again soon and everything, its nice.

I'm hoping one day we get another shot together, but it doesnt really seem that likely right now. I just got to live on and wait to see what happens.

I miss my baby.

wow.

Wow, did today just make a hugeee 180 degree turn.

This morning i was crying over Landon, but this afternoon we were sitting on my bed just chillin and having fun.

I drove Henry over to Kim's house today of course, and that text i sent Landon today, he texted back while i was at her place. I needed to talk to him so we decided to chill at his place and talk.

We were sitting outside his garage for about 2 or 3 hours just talking and it was nice. He told me all about the real Jonathan Rodriguez. That asshole.

Landon told me that he was at Jonathan's place last night and this morning they were all just chilling and Jonathan told Landon and i quote "I just want to be her friend until we can fuck".

LIKE HOLY FUCK. DOES HE THINK IM SO FUCKING EASY OR SOMETHING! WHAT THE FUCK!

Landon was just telling me a whole bunch of shit and i was like, that fucking bastard!

I never had feelings for Jonathan, but he did seem kind of weird. Like he was jumping in way to quickly, and already acting like i was his girlfriend. I was just like what the fuck, back up off of me. Even without this info, i was gonna start ignoring him anyway. Im glad Landon told me though.

I started tearing up and everything, and Landon was just being the good friend he is and comforting me.

I cant believe that fucking low life fat ass bastard Jonathan was just trying to get some. AND WITH ME?! WHAT THE FUCK. Asshole.

I am not talking to him ever againn. I wanna fucking smash his face into the floor.

Anywho, i got my buddy Landon back again. We were talking and we headed back to my place and chilled, just enjoying the good times. It was nice. My close buddy :]

We decided that we were gonna hang out more and everything again. Put some use to our summer and just chill more.

I'm hoping Jonathan doesnt decide to text me cause im not texting his disgusting ass back. I already deleted his number anywayy.

FUCK YOU JONATHAN!
Actually ew no, who would ever want to fuck you. GAG!

you.

So, why am i up at 6:36 in the morning on a Wednesday during summer break writing in this journal thing? What is so important that it couldnt wait for some normal time in the day? Well technically i've been up since like 3 something going crazy.

I woke up in the middle of the night again like i have been doing for the past couple of days. Not being comfortable and all i sleepily checked my phone and look, another middle of the night text from Jonathan that was sent around 1 something. I was thinking he probably is still up so i just texted him back. I felt like i was awake but he texted back over an hr later around 4 something but i didnt even feel like i was awake for that long, so i guess i was basically half asleep. Anywho, he said he was with Landon. I just texted him back saying "oh i guess i wouldnt be a good thing if he found out you were talking to me" or something like that and then he just texted back saying that Landon already knew. I was just asking how he knew and what he said, and Jonathan just told me that he said "i dont know." Well for me i just said "Yeah probably. Well im going back to sleep. Night. You can tell him i say good night." and that was the end of my convo with him. However, it was now 5 and i wasn't going back to sleep. I haven't spoken to Landon for over a week already but i texted him saying "Dont think that me talking to Jonathan is anything. He's just a friend. You don't know how much i still feel about you." And then, I cried.

I told myself i wouldnt, but i just had to. I pulled out the bag of all his stuff, and the first thing i touched was his jacket. That made me cry even more. I held onto it, and just started looking through everything. All the pictures, the poems, the drawings. I read almost every single one that was in the bag and im still not even half way done with all the poems he's ever written me. There is this one poem, this one poem which always gets to hard. I saved that for last, and i read it of course, but i kind of sped through it, i regret speeding through it but i got a glimpse of the last word before i actually read the whole thing and that already made me break out into tears. That one word, "eternally," that word has been used so many times. I wish everything did stay eternal. I wish that things were like the way they use to be. I wish he still loved me.

He doesn't know how much he means to me, how much i still love him. My feelings for him will never ever go away. I'm not like him, i can't just build up a wall and keep them away from affecting me. Every little thing, cuts me like a knife. Priscilla and I were talking and yeah, we are really emotional and sensitive. These certain people in our life just have a crazy effect on us. Well at least this guy does on me. He has such a hold on me, i really don't want him to ever let go. I don't ever want to let go.

Looking at the pictures. Just looking at his face. Brings back so many memories. Every touch, every hug, every smile, every kiss, just everything. I miss it so much. What i would do to just have him in my arms again.

Henry is gonna be so dissapointed in me. He's the one who's always been telling me to move on and how im too good for him and everything. It seems like i've been kind of moving on for a while but now, everything is just killing me again. I don't know how im gonna survive when he goes back to Alabama. I'm not gonna be able to talk to him as much when i really need to.

All his poems mean so much to me, but that one poem, that one that hits me so much, i decided that i'm gonna keep that with me at all times now. Just keep it in my wallet or something so i have a piece of him where ever i go. I know you might think its stupid and that i will never recover that way but i don't know. I just feel like i have to do this and we'll just see what time has in stored for me.

Im driving Henry over to see Kim today. Just gonna chill at their place, and try to recollect myself. Thats gonna be hard however seeing as if he lives 3 houses down from her. I never know if he's home or not though. Jonathan lives in that same fricken neighborhood also. I was thinking about maybe chilling with him today, but not anymore. I'm not telling him im in the neighborhood. If they see the car, they see the car, but im not telling either of them. I highly doubt Landon would even care but still, I'm thinking about avoiding them for a while. Mainly Jonathan i guess. I don't know.

I feel horrible. Jonathan is a sweet guy who hasnt done anything but be sweet, but i'm just so messed up cause of everything. Honestly i don't have any feelings for Jonathan right now. He's just a friend. I'm still just caught up with Landon and everything, except he doesn't fucking care anymore. Well i highly doubt he does.

Why do i love him so much. Why did he stop loving me.

My friend had this quote on her facebook..."Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"...why am i so weak.

man.

I haven't been dreaming again..i dont know. I handed in my applications and stuff yesterday so im hoping i get a job soon. I really need one, i dont want to have to worry about my money and just save up to help pay for my car and gas and everything.

Anywho, i started thinking about him again. I can't help that he always comes across my mind every so often. I drove by his house today also, always wondering if he's home or not, but i haven't spoken to him for over a week already, the longest i've ever kept from speaking to him. I mean, not much to talk about anymore, he's moved on with his new girlfriend and everything, and im just left here in the same spot that he left me a month ago, wondering what's gonna come between us. Before his new girlfriend, it seemed like we would at least be able to stay friends, things were fine, not awkward at all. Now things aren't awkward, but we just dont talk as much, and i always feel like i need to do something to try and save our friendship, just text him a hello or something, but then my mind is just telling me he should be the one to talk to me first. I miss everything. Good Morning texts, late night conversations, "i love you"s, just everything. Especially how our relationship was when we first started. How did everything just go downhill. I still have feelings for him, honestly not as strong as they use to be though, i guess its cause im trying to move on some how but still, i cant help but think about him. I know i still have all my feelings for him inside me, just hiding somewhere. I can never just get rid of him, he's just a huge part of me. I don't know what's gonna happen though. I don't know if he and his girlfriend are going to work out or whatever. I hate how every time we talk somehow she pops up in the conversation and i feel like im getting slapped in the face over and over, but anyways, he told me that if he and his gf dont work out, he would think about giving me another chance. i don't know whats gonna happen though.

I hate that i love you. Well...i dont know if i hate it.

whyy?

So I've seen him once in my life. Talked to him on facebook a lot... but still it shouldn't mean anything right? I kinda miss talking to him now. Its really weird. I barely know him and I miss him. He was nice to talk to I guess. Funny, a little towards the annoying side, weird as hell but I didn't care. Its weird how before I wanted him to stop talking to me and now I kinda regret that.